I always thought there was a God...somewhere but I didn’t know anything else about Him.  By the time I was 15, I was drinking so much that I would sneak it under my mattress so mom wouldn’t find it.  I didnt want to go without it.  I hated life and thought God only put me here to die.  I knew there was a hell and that I was headed for it but thought there was no way to escape.  I hung out with older drug addicts and dated one for a while.  I would steal money from moms purse to buy my alcohol, hash, marijuana, cigarettes, etc.  I used to cut myself sometimes, mostly carvings in my skin.  I’d carve hearts, words and thing like that in my skin with needles or anything sharp enough.  I felt deserving of the pain and had no respect for my body at all.  A friend of mine shot herself in the head when she was 17.  I was 16 when it happened and I blamed myself for not being there for her.  After that, I pushed everyone away who tried to get close to me. 

Then two Christian people came along.  They didn’t preach at me like I was expecting and didn’t judge me. I hadn’t been inside a church for 10 years (I hated religious stuff and religious people).  But one night I decided to show up for the evening service.  I really didn’t feel like I belonged there.  It took almost a year before I went to another.  I began using the Internet to look up things about Jesus.  He was drawing me to him and I didn’t realize it at the time.  I didn’t know he could, I guess.  But he kept drawing me.  I began to read the Bible and it would sometimes make me feel better, sometimes fill me with shame and sometimes I just didn’t understand anything I was reading.  But I kept reading.  Eventually I went to another service.

One night I received an email from my pastor and he had shared Jesus with me.  I had come to the end of myself and couldn’t go on that way any longer.  I asked Jesus to forgive me for being so awful, and I told Him if He wanted me to live for Him, He had to help me cause I couldn’t do it.  He had to do it for me.  He took away every addiction that I had and the desire to do any of those things.  I felt free for the first time.  My brother said to me one day “You have changed, you used to be so cool.”  I just smiled because it was then that I realized that God had "REALLY" changed my life.  I had decided to follow Jesus with all my heart, mind and strength.  I knew there was to be a lot of changes in my life, but I was gladJ  Jesus is not only an important part of my life, He is my life!!  I pray that someday I will be able to love unconditionally and unselfishly the way God loves us.

I know all our good deeds are like filthy rags, but it pleases Him when we do these things and that is what I want to do.  God provides all the comfort we need to live above our past and gives us a wonderful promise of a home in Heaven with Him.  I can hardly wait to get there and be with Him.  Just to see his face and hold his nail scarred hand.  There are so many who are refusing Him day after day, just the way I used to.  I hope everyone will all realize their need for a Savior.  We can’t work or earn our way into Gods Kingdom.  Its already been paid for when Jesus went to the cross.  All we have to do is to accept that FREE gift that God is offering to ALL who will receive it.  We CAN NOT be perfect while in this world no matter how hard we try.  God knows that too.  That is the reason Jesus had to die on the cross.  There was no other way.  His blood covers every wrong we ever did.  When God looks at us, all He sees is the blood, not our filthiness.

I may never fully understand why He loves me or why chose me to serve Him, but I don’t need to understand.  I’m so thankful for His Love, mercy and grace.  I need Him and Him alone!  And someday, I will be with Him forever.  Wow!!  That will be so awesome!  Woooo Hooooo